My hard drive died near the beginning of November, so I haven't been able to sit down and write until now.
Basically, what has been going on is...reflection.
Commuting to Boston all the time seemed great at first, because it is creatively satisfying to pose there. Getting paid for something you love is a wonderful thing. However, the drive through morning traffic is stressful. I have been late more times than I care to count, and have even been in an accident! Posing so often and driving through so many fight or flight moments with the other commuters of Boston has worn my body out. My immune system has been compromised, and I've just been generally feeling like a sack of garbage.
It is not like me to show up late, or even on time for an art college. My typical way has always been to show up fifteen minutes early, fully rested and ready for anything. Lately, I've been tired almost every minute of every day, and even had to drop my OWN class because I could not physically keep up with 15+ hours of posing a week, on top of my four-hour massage class/all the practice hours I should have been putting in. My lymph nodes starting being really touchy, I was having fevers, and -too much information, I know- even my monthly cycle has taken a hit...lasting just two days last month, and three this month.
Electing to retake my own class was the best decision I've made in a while, as I am less tired/stressed and no longer sick, but I now have to make another hard decision, which is to stop posing at BU, especially in the mornings.
Posing in Boston has just proved to be more hassle than art should really be. Today, for instance...I woke up an hour early, completely proud of myself for deciding to take the commuter rail for once, even though it would put me out about 15 bucks. I knew there was to be an ice storm.
Well, the ice on my car didn't care that I had to be to work, and stayed on my windshield and windows for forty excruciating minutes, even though I had my defroster on full blast. I called two local cab companies...both said to call back around noon. Even now that my car is able to get out of the driveway, taking public transportation would make me almost two hours late, and driving myself is not really an option, as I just read the traffic reports which mentioned black ice on every road I would take to get there.
It seems BU and I were not meant to be. When I get there, I do my job, and I do it well...but getting there has been a serious issue.
I feel like a failure, and I hate it. I feel like every other day I am calling someone to tell them I am going to be late, or absent. I feel like everyone in life is now expecting me just to not show up...to not show up for my life. Or, to show up performing at half speed. I'm dropping weight, I'm tired, my hair is falling out, my period is messed up...I'm. So. Stressed!
I think I may have to end my hiatus in order to support myself. I may have to stop posing for art colleges, and start modeling for the camera again. Not because I have had some newly found burst of inspiration, but for money and to save myself from physical burnout (I make significantly less money posing for colleges, and pose there about ten times more often than I normally ever posed in front of the lens)...but...this is why I went on hiatus in the first place...to feel better physically and mentally, and work mostly for the love of the art, with money being the bonus. Lately, that's what I HAVE been doing. Working at BU for the love of art, with money being the bonus, but this is burning the candle at both ends. I'm too tired, in too much pain, mentally freaking out, and not making enough money.
I feel like in order to be physically and financially well, I need to start working for money, with art being the bonus (or stop all together and just get effing food stamps while I curl into a ball and hibernate all winter)...but that would leave me a mental wreck.
I don't know what to do...
2 comments:
Put some stuff into a greater context. First off, seems to me that it's quite possible health might be affected by something other than ice storms and morning commute. Think about it, millions of Greater Bostonians do this commute every morning. Do they say they're miserable doing it? You betchya.. but that's just the name of the game. It's always miserable driving 15 to 25 miles every day through traffic to work. Annoying as heck.
Second, it's quite possible you were just sick of doing the art stuff? You know when you get bored with stuff. You can't find the energy to do it. When you love something, you do it no matter what. You walk over broken glass with broken legs because you love it so much. Maybe it was time to move on.
However... there could be something else going on. Self-doubt. This is the biggest killer of creative people. The fear of "what's next?" You've accomplished much. People know you. You are recognizable. It's natural that sometimes you may think "so what's the point?" Creative people need to stop thinking about destinations and really just focus on the work, and especially the work you are most happy with. If that means working with photographers, do it! But maybe you've just been running out of resources to make you feel like you're accomplishing something. Find those resources and get back to working.
I know this thread is old, but I just wanted to say all of this because I identified with everything you said.
Keep your chin up and get to work!
Oh, and get a freakin' ice chipper! Like $5 at CVS. Of course, you don't need it now, but get one now so you're prepared for next year. Keep it in your car at all times, NOT IN YOUR HOUSE. :)
Post a Comment