she writes, stark naked.

back in action!

2008-05-25T16:26:00.000-07:00

I was in California with varied accessibility to the internet.

I have many stories and pictures.

Soon.

another workshop!

2008-03-20T00:55:00.000-07:00

On Sunday, I posed for another workshop.

This workshop was far and away more extensive than any workshop I have posed for in the past, and took a lot of energy. Energy I didn't really have.

About a week prior, I started having major sinus issues. I tried everything, but could not get myself to a point of clarity. Though I have had a near perfect sleep schedule for the past month, my finicky health caused a major disturbance, and I have been up until at least five am every night since (it is now four am). I was to arrive at the studio by nine am, which means I would have to have left my house by about seven thirty. At six thirty am, I called my mother (a doctor) because I still could not sleep, and I realized my heart was beating twenty times more per minute than usual. She said I was probably just dehydrated, and that my resting heart rate was still within normal limits. So, I slammed some water and got out of bed, knowing full well I wasn't going to fall asleep for the fifteen minutes I had before my alarm went off.

I felt absolutely miserable. I considered pulling off to the side of the road to sleep, but knowing that I was hired for my professionalism, talent, and and experience kept me from doing so. I thought to myself "If I crash, at least I'll have a worthy excuse. If I show up and am wretched...at least I showed up." On I went...in a daze, sipping my ginger/fruit/yogurt smoothie, hoping to wake up a little. Failed attempt.

By the time I arrived in New Hampshire, I had been awake for sixteen hours. I felt like death and probably looked it. My eyes were raw, I was dizzy, and I really, REALLY just wanted to curl up on the couch and go to sleep for about ten hours. Of course, I couldn't.

For the first hour or so, we held a group discussion about how to go about interacting with a model before, during, and after a shoot. There were five students, two models, one owner and one assistant. I really enjoyed being able to get things off my chest and let beginner photographers know where those before them have fallen short. I feel the discussion panel was a very valuable addition to the day, and a great way to kick things off. I liked that I didn't feel rushed. I didn't feel as if I had to cram everything I know about being a professional into a thirty second speech; I was really able to get all my points across, and everyone in the room listened intently. While I, of course, was actively listening and participating...every time it wasn't my turn to talk, it took everything in me not to throw the hood of my robe over my head and nod off to dream land.

Because I was about thirty seconds away from from face-planting onto the floor, when Bud (the organizer/studio owner) asked which model would like to stand in for the lighting tests, I jumped at the chance. I felt if I stayed static for too long, I would reach the point of no return and just pass out. I don't know if any of you have ever been this tired before, but it makes existence an absolutely miserable experience. On top of that, I could not breathe through my nose, and had just started my period a few days prior. To reiterate, that's:

*sinus issuse
*zero sleep
*period
*eight hour day

Woo!

Anyway...(still not done. more later.)

Blog update #2.

2008-03-10T14:33:00.001-07:00

I can't remember what this was supposed to be about. I know I said "lengthy", but this story isn't, so I have no idea what I meant.

Anyway...

For those of you that read my blog about the college telling me I missed a date...

The other week, I drove the minute and a half it took me to get to the art class. It was ridiculously cold out, and I'd never been there so I wanted to make sure I didn't walk in circles and end up late.

While walking to the building, I saw a lady asking for directions. I figured maybe she was a model too- the school is small and has several little buildings/converted houses in the neighborhood. After accidentally walking into a residential building, I found the art class at the back of the school's bookstore. I was about ten minutes early, and changed while students set up, and the teacher got situated.

He mentioned that "the last model" didn't show up, and I blushed and told him I was that model. We then talked about how I knew it wasn't my fault, and he admitted he often has trouble getting packages from the office.

A few minutes later, the lost woman from the street walked in with a yoga mat, water bottle, snacks, and slippers in tow.

Oh no, I thought.

Hi- confusion on her face as she stared at me in my robe - my name is _____. Is this room ____, are you James? I'm your model for today.

Me (loudly): SEE!!!? I KNEW it wasn't my fault!! SEE?

This poor lady had driven an hour and a half. I told her she could just do the class since I live so close. She declined because I had gotten there first.

When I went to the office to fill out paperwork, the model coordinator was on the phone with the model, and when she hung up she told me "That model has a lot going on in her head right now."

Yeeaah. And she just happened to show up at the right building at the right time on the right day, when there are ten other little buildings holding classes at different times on different days.

Right.

sorry!

2008-03-10T13:18:00.000-07:00

I am such a terrible blogger!

Had it not been for an email I got reminding me to update, it might have been June before I got around to it. Also, thank you Sofi for the nudge.

So...

Blog one- lighting workshop:

I adore workshops. Workshops are one of the absolute high points of being a model, because not only do you feel useful, they are very financially fruitful.

In September, I was asked by my friend Paul to pose for a workshop involving the painted figure. The model originally booked bailed out, and this was a short notice deal. I said YES, absolutely! However, someone else responded an hour before me, so I was asked to come as her backup in case she bailed too. Fifty bucks to show up, the rest if I actually posed.

I arrived at the same time as Paul, and the scheduled model showed up shortly after that...all of us early.

I noticed she had on tight jeans and I could see her lace bra through her shirt. My obsessive compulsive brain went "AHH!!! Why aren't you in sweats? I wear sweats. Why do you have underwear on? I'm not wearing underwear. What are you DOOOOINGG?" What came out of my mouth was:

"Did you bring a robe?"
"No, why?"
"Here, you can use mine."

She proceeded to set it down and sit around in her tight jeans until the painting began. In hindsight, for as long as it took for the painting to happen...the lines definitely disappeared...but that isn't how I work and it was driving me up the wall.

Anyway, rather than dwell on it, I took the opportunity to talk to all of the photographers at the workshop. Anyone not shooting had to be in the lounge area...we could still see the shoot, but we were behind French doors where the kitchen and seating is. For nine hours, I just got to know everyone, and let them get to know me.

Even though I didn't do any work, I met some lovely people, and the couple running the workshop asked me back, along with the model that posed wearing Paul's work.

I went to the studio a few days ahead of time to shoot for about an hour so Scott (workshop leader) could test the low key lighting, and put some promotional pictures up to draw in any last minute photographers.

Everything seemed to be a go!

The day of the workshop, I arrived about thirty minutes early (I was expecting more traffic), so I went to grab a bagel and figured we'd get started when I got back, as the make-up artist was already there. After I finished my food, I got started with hair and make-up, and we all just chitchatted while waiting for photographers to show up. Slowly, but surely, the workshop participants trickled in...but the other model did not.

She was called several times, but did not answer. I told Scott I could just pose the whole day; I hate to see people in a jam, and I definitely don't hate money. Win, win...but a thought entered my mind "Is she okay?" She did show up for the last shoot, so it seemed odd she was so late. The Boston area can be very difficult to navigate, and I definitely slipped up on my way to the studio the day of the trial run, but she hadn't even touched base.

About an hour or two into the shoot, she text-messaged Scott to say she'd been in a car accident the night before. I don't know what ever happened with that...I tagged her page to leave her well-wishes, but it was deleted about fifteen minutes later and she never responded. She's still working, so...she's alive. Hooray for that.

Anyway...

I had a really great day. Shooting for eight hours is exhausting, but, working with beginners is really interesting! I love how modeling has helped my communication skills. I love being able to work with people that are so drastically different, without any trouble.

One of the participants barely spoke. He literally just stood at the edge of the paper and clicked away. The assistant for the day, Jeff, tried to coach him along a little by asking him to try directing me...but he kind of just nodded and didn't actually do it. So, I just went on auto pilot every time it was his turn.

Others had very elaborate ideas, and I feel lucky to have enough experience to be able to make those ideas come to life.

My favorite person to work with, was a man named Yosu. He wasn't very confident about his English skills, so we sat down during one of my breaks so he could describe what he wanted. I didn't have any trouble understanding him at all, and we went to go shoot his vision. Basically, he was looking for very feminine poses. "I want a lot of cub." "Curve?" "Yes." So, that's what I gave him. Not only was he great at telling me what he wanted me to do, he was very animated, and showed me what he wanted if I was in one pose and he wanted another.

I love meeting new people, and I love feeling useful. After a workshop, so many people say thank you and shake your hand that you really feel like you accomplished something, and are reminded that your job isn't pointless.

Oh, and I got two checks. :)

updates!

2008-02-25T21:07:00.000-08:00

I will be posting two rather lengthy blogs tomorrow (Tuesday).

Stay tuned...

I'd type them now, but my body hurts and I'm tired.

On Saturday I posed for a painter for three hours. On Sunday I posed at a lighting workshop for eight hours. Today I posed for a sculpture class for three hours.

Yeah...that's right. Fourteen hours of posing in three days. Normally, even if I posed three days in a row, it would only amount to nine hours. Nine hours of posing over three days can really wear the body out and cause a lot of pain. I did eight in a row the other day...

As much as I hate modern medicine, I just asked my room mate for some tylenol and bengay.

I'm going to sleep, but will have much to write about after class tomorrow.

What?

2008-02-19T14:30:00.000-08:00

I just listened to a message left by the model coordinator of a local art school. The message informed me that I missed a class.

What?

I have not yet posed for this school, but have a few dates on the calendar. The message didn't say what date I missed, but I don't have anything on my schedule (for that school, anyhow) until Feb. 25! Furthermore, if the call was about a class today, there is no way I could have made it because I do not schedule on Tuesdays. I have two four-hour classes on Tuesdays that run right through the time any school would be open.

I'm so confused and sad. I have never just missed a modeling session without reason or notice . This was the school's first impression of me. I may have glowing references, but I didn't show up to the first class they had me scheduled for, so I look like an ass.

As soon as I heard the message I felt like I was going to pass out or be sick. I don't like being a disappointment, and I don't understand why I only have one thing listed on my schedule if there should have been more this month.

Boston University and Salem State schedule with me via email. I never asked for it to be that way, but it seems now that is the only way to be sure everything is exact. Perhaps I wrote down a date on a piece of paper and lost it?

I have a google calendar, and when I get a confirmation email with a list of dates, I just plug them in online...and can refer to my email if a mix-up occurs. I can say "Look, you SAID this date." That has never happened, but now I'm stuck. I can't show this school that I was only told to be there on the 25th, and I can't prove that I didn't make a mistake.

I feel so horrible.

2008-02-03T16:57:00.000-08:00

Plenty of new and exciting things have been happening.

I hope to have the motivation to write about it sometime this week...stay tuned.

2008-01-04T01:16:00.000-08:00

le sigh.

2007-12-10T05:18:00.000-08:00

My hard drive died near the beginning of November, so I haven't been able to sit down and write until now.

Basically, what has been going on is...reflection.

Commuting to Boston all the time seemed great at first, because it is creatively satisfying to pose there. Getting paid for something you love is a wonderful thing. However, the drive through morning traffic is stressful. I have been late more times than I care to count, and have even been in an accident! Posing so often and driving through so many fight or flight moments with the other commuters of Boston has worn my body out. My immune system has been compromised, and I've just been generally feeling like a sack of garbage.

It is not like me to show up late, or even on time for an art college. My typical way has always been to show up fifteen minutes early, fully rested and ready for anything. Lately, I've been tired almost every minute of every day, and even had to drop my OWN class because I could not physically keep up with 15+ hours of posing a week, on top of my four-hour massage class/all the practice hours I should have been putting in. My lymph nodes starting being really touchy, I was having fevers, and -too much information, I know- even my monthly cycle has taken a hit...lasting just two days last month, and three this month.

Electing to retake my own class was the best decision I've made in a while, as I am less tired/stressed and no longer sick, but I now have to make another hard decision, which is to stop posing at BU, especially in the mornings.

Posing in Boston has just proved to be more hassle than art should really be. Today, for instance...I woke up an hour early, completely proud of myself for deciding to take the commuter rail for once, even though it would put me out about 15 bucks. I knew there was to be an ice storm.

Well, the ice on my car didn't care that I had to be to work, and stayed on my windshield and windows for forty excruciating minutes, even though I had my defroster on full blast. I called two local cab companies...both said to call back around noon. Even now that my car is able to get out of the driveway, taking public transportation would make me almost two hours late, and driving myself is not really an option, as I just read the traffic reports which mentioned black ice on every road I would take to get there.

It seems BU and I were not meant to be. When I get there, I do my job, and I do it well...but getting there has been a serious issue.

I feel like a failure, and I hate it. I feel like every other day I am calling someone to tell them I am going to be late, or absent. I feel like everyone in life is now expecting me just to not show up...to not show up for my life. Or, to show up performing at half speed. I'm dropping weight, I'm tired, my hair is falling out, my period is messed up...I'm. So. Stressed!

I think I may have to end my hiatus in order to support myself. I may have to stop posing for art colleges, and start modeling for the camera again. Not because I have had some newly found burst of inspiration, but for money and to save myself from physical burnout (I make significantly less money posing for colleges, and pose there about ten times more often than I normally ever posed in front of the lens)...but...this is why I went on hiatus in the first place...to feel better physically and mentally, and work mostly for the love of the art, with money being the bonus. Lately, that's what I HAVE been doing. Working at BU for the love of art, with money being the bonus, but this is burning the candle at both ends. I'm too tired, in too much pain, mentally freaking out, and not making enough money.

I feel like in order to be physically and financially well, I need to start working for money, with art being the bonus (or stop all together and just get effing food stamps while I curl into a ball and hibernate all winter)...but that would leave me a mental wreck.

I don't know what to do...

oranges, cologne, shampoo, and coffee.

2007-11-08T22:22:00.000-08:00

I have recently started meditating while posing for long periods of time.

Meditating causes me to be very aware of my surroundings, and while it may be considered polite to warn a model before approaching him or her for measurements, if other models are anything like myself, they can already feel your presence before you open your mouth to speak.

Until now, none of the students- save one- had ever approached me for measurements. I heard the professor occasionally mention to them that they should really be getting into my space and making accurate measurements, but they all just seemed to be far too uncomfortable.

Today, that changed. Quite a few students warned me that they were near, and I began to notice something very interesting...

When the professor approaches me for measurements, he is very confident, and treats me exactly as I would expect of someone who has worked with the nude form for a while- as if I am a statue. Sometimes he'll vocalize what he's about to do, and other times it's more of an understood thing, if he is in my line of sight. Either way, he stands close enough that I would be able to pinpoint him in a room based on scent alone. I can tell he is near because the energy around me changes, and I can tell when he has stepped down because his scent is gone. I never feel interrupted by him. His energy is constant whether he is talking to me during a break when I am fully clothed, or whether I'm stark naked on a platform. His heart does not fly out of his chest, and his voice is steady. He treats me as if I'm fully clothed, regardless of the actual state of things. He smells like coffee and cologne.

When a student approaches, it is a different experience entirely. Students, for the most part, did not announce themselves as they approached. Instead, each person would walk toward the platform, and stand there in my energy field staring at me. Then, after I assumed he or she must just be looking, I was startled by their voice behind me, speaking far too softly for me to register in any sort of timely fashion.

"I'm uh...I'm going to measure your...[inaudible]"

Pause.

"Oh. Okay."

When a student comes near, I am thrown completely out of my element because I can sense their hesitation, and feel I need to verbally respond to each one in order to make him or her more comfortable. I feel if I don't say "Okay.", or something similar, that he or she may think they've not been heard, and end up just standing there trying to decide whether or not to move forward. It's not as if anyone actually touches me, or if I would be started if someone accidentally did. I feel more comfortable nude than I do clothed, and am not at all inconvenienced by the technicalities of art.

Anyway, not all were timid. One girl walked onto the platform, and told me confidently that she was going to measure my armpits. I didn't respond to her, because I didn't feel she needed the reassurance. She then got down, and I had a flashback to about ten minutes earlier when I saw her eating an orange in the hallway. I didn't smell it as she was eating it, but when she made her measurement, her hands were close enough to my face that the air smelled like oranges for a good thirty seconds after she stepped down, and I was able to tell who she was before I turned my head to be certain.

Another girl smelled like shampoo, and I wanted to run off the platform and just breathe in heavily, taking in the scent of her hair. I didn't, of course...but I started to wonder how many people pay attention to that sort of thing throughout the course of any given day.

Rarely am I close enough to smell people, unless they happen to have doused themselves in perfume...but when you are naked and focusing on yourself, subtle changes are very noticeable. Scent is a very powerful sense, and I learned a lot about the people in the classroom today.

***

Check back later today (Nov 12) for an updated version. In this space I will be writing one more story.

sorry.

2007-11-04T12:27:00.000-08:00

I've been very busy with work and school.

From now on, every time I have an interesting day at work (posing for Boston University), I'll write about it here.

I'll also be writing about any feelings, good or bad, I experience that are related to my decision to go on hiatus.

As of now, I still do not have and end date in sight.

Until tomorrow, please go visit my updated website: www.shestands-starknaked.com

hiatus.

2007-09-20T19:40:00.000-07:00

In June, I went to California to hang out with my friend Dave, and basically model myself into a state of exhaustion.

I drove to California with my mother and grandmother, and never booked a return flight because I knew something big was going to happen. I just didn't know how big. (Side note: I drove, left my car in California with my aunt because she needed a vehicle, and flew back).

***

The first photographer I worked with, Mike Walker, was incredible! We drove to Joshua Tree, and I shot outdoor nudes for the first time in my life. I was supposed to shoot nature nudes with a man named Peter in November, but a few things prevented this from happening. Anyway, Mike Walker:

Before shooting with Mike, I had posed predominantly for average photographers against a white backdrop in a studio, without ever changing perspective or lighting. A lot of the time, these same photographers would ask me (once already there) to do clothed shoots, shoots in the underwear I brought to go home in, or to shoot with some silly prop. Working with Mike was a wonderful experience because he chose to work with me for who and what I am. Nude, generally hairy, and not at all interested in glamour modeling. I really felt like I had helped create something beautiful every time I posed.

I also worked with:

Oscar

Damon

and Colin Talcroft (to name a few)

Each and every person I worked with had more creative energy than everyone else I'd worked with in the past two years combined. After every shoot I felt like things just couldn't get any more awesome, but they did. Most everybody used film, so I got to really get into my poses and become attached to what I was doing. Every move was calculated, right down to the space between my fingers, and every strand of hair. With every photographer, I could feel a real passion for the creative process. A passion for photography.

Not all of these individuals were inspirational merely as photographers, but as human beings in general.

Colin, for example, made me feel as if I didn't really want to work for anyone else afterward. I felt so at ease, and so in my element that I could have stayed all day, the whole week, or month helping him realize his ideas. After working with him, and others, I really started to feel as if working with anyone else would be a chore.

I got several offers all over California while I was there, and all I could think was, if I drive all six, seven, or eight hours to the opposite side of the state, and my experience isn't as wonderful as with these people...what then?

So, I stopped booking, and started sleeping more.

Not only did I start sleeping more, but I also began thinking more. I felt as if I truly could not get any more creative satisfaction out of anyone else on the planet, and needed to find it for myself. Within myself.

I decided to paint. I LOVE to paint, but generally get nervous around skilled artists, like Dave. Because of my state of mind, however, I just really needed to release tension through art. We pulled out paper, paint, and brushes, and I proceeded to paint my very first face. Before that day, I had only done splatter paintings, and similar styles-which can be seen at the now defunct www.artbyshandra.com- but Dave encouraged me to paint this:

Under his direction, I ended up painting in more details than I would have naturally, so I then did two without his input and they turned out like this (The first one is Dave again, and the second one is my friend Billy, from memory):

I also painted a few splatter pieces that I was quite proud of, but they didn't make it back with me (long story). Anyway, feeling pretty confident, I decided to try out my new camera. My mom bought me a Nikon D50 as a gift, and I had only used it on auto, and only had it for about three weeks. I had never read the manual, and hadn't a clue how to do anything but point and shoot...so I asked Dave how cameras work (he's a photographer).

It took me a day or two, but he finally said something without using numbers that made sense. He said something along the lines of "shutter speed=length of time exposed to light, aperture=amount of light".

That night (I think, it's been a while.), I took these:

I also took a lot of images while at the Gay Pride parade, and left California very excited to start playing around with photography.

I also left less excited to be involved on the other side of the camera. I may have had a creative burnout. Things went so well, that I fear they may just plateau for the rest of my life.

This brings me to the title of this entry; I think I need to take a break.

My hiatus begins on October 1st. In the meantime, I will be posing for Boston University, but not in front of a camera.

More on this when my hands stop cramping.

Stay tuned...

intro.

2007-09-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

Welcome.

If you're reading this, you probably already know me, or know about me...but...just in case:

Nutshell version-

*Started out wanting to model commercially.
*June '05, I flew to Tennessee, got portfolio started by Eye Model Management.
*Went on myspace looking for college photography students...first shoot ended up being fine art nude.
*Second shoot also ended up being fine art nude.
*Third shoot was mostly nude.
*Fourth shoot was for a fashion designer in Milwaukee. I got a really great skirt out the deal, but decided I liked the results of the nude shoots better...as well as the experience in general.
*Eventually joined Model Mayhem and put my images up for critique. Someone mentioned that I looked far more comfortable in my nude shots, and even went as far as to say I looked uncomfortable clothed. I thought about it for approximately ten seconds, decided she was right, and have been an art model ever since.

I don't have images from my first nude shoot, because I never ended up using them, so threw the disc away...but this is one from my second shoot, with Michael Sloane, and one from the last shoot I did, with Bobby Sargent.

Michael- '05

Bobby- '07

I feel, for the most part, that I have stayed true to myself throughout the two+ years I've been posing, but...lately have been feeling very bored, and uninspired.

I recently took a job posing for Boston University, and from the moment I received the email about it, my excitement became overwhelming, and it's been nearly all I've been able to think about. That, and starting school for the first time in three years.

That said, my boredom in front of the camera is becoming more and more of an issue for me, and I started this blog to document my feelings on all things related to modeling, and keep everyone up-to-date, as I've been seriously considering going on hiatus since June, and the thoughts show no sign of subsiding.